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Warning

EXTREMELY HIGH EMOTIONAL CONTENT.
Proceed with caution.

Basics

Here's my nth attempt at creating a decent blogging site. I've had so many old blogs, and they're all rotting in cyberspace with memories that I'd rather not return to, so I'm starting from scratch. AGAIN.

I'm Fam. I've been around Planet Earth for 16 years and counting, though people often think I'm a lot older than my actual age (for who knows why). I love the color red, dark chocolate, bananas and breezy, sunny days.

I love dancing, singing out of nowhere, taking pictures, going on long, leisurely walks, enjoying food, writing to my heart's content, drawing, painting and indulging in crazy-sensible conversations with crazy-sensible people.

My moods swing like a pendulum, and yes, I am one of those people who overreact, over-think, and overeat. There's no better way to get to know me than to actually listen... and if you can, speak up. Don't worry, I won't bite... except if your grammar and intentions are atrocious. ;)

Tagboard


Archives

By post:
Feels like INSOMNIA.
Firsts are always the sweetest now, aren't they? :)

By month:
February 2010 / March 2010 / April 2010 / May 2010 / June 2010 / July 2010 / November 2010 / December 2010 / January 2011 /

Credits

Layout and codes by:dawnoflights
Images from: Foto_decadent
Textures: Dearest / Looks like rain
Icons from: furlights

A title is hard to produce when the writing has no thesis.

My Feet with My Dancing Shoes
(because I'll be off to Dancesports class in an hour or so)

Yes. Today is a Thursday.

I woke up to my mother calling me. I honestly didn't want to answer, but I didn't want my phone to be bombarded with several missed calls from a frantic mother who's trying to contact her daughter from a hundred miles away. I picked it up, and she asked me, in her cold, accusing voice...

"O ano, kamusta na yang Science mo?"

Just so you guys know, I got a failing mark in my second semester advisory grades, and it's even harder for my parents to accept the failure than it is for me. I don't want to explain this entire story to you; it's too long, too tedious and too personal. In any case, this entire thing about my grades (which is my fault, I admit) evolved into a show of their narcissism and my growing exhaustion, which is steadily growing into apathy for them.

Anyway, I was half-asleep, and I couldn't answer her properly. Her deadpan reply was that she'll call me later. I wanted to tell her that I have a play to watch for Fil12 later tonight, and that I might not be able to answer her calls until 10:3o PM, but then whenever situations like this come up, here's what happens:

Me: Ma, baka di ko masagot tawag niyo mamaya, may *blah blah blah*

(AT BEST)
Ma: Hanggang anong oras naman yan?
Me: Mga 10 po.
Ma: May kasama ka pag-uwi?
Me: Opo (even if the truth is, I'd rather go home alone)
Ma: O sige, tatawag na lang kami mamaya. Ingat ka, at delikado diyan.

(AT WORST)
Ma: O ano na naman yan, ha? Gagabihin ka na naman? Baka mamaya, hindi naman required yan. Hayy nako, Fatima, ang sinasabi ko sa 'yo, kung anu-ano ang inaatupag mo, sinasayang mo ang pera namin... *blah blah blah*
Me: -_____-
Ma: Dapat sagutin mo ang tawag namin pag tumawag kami.
Me: Ma, baka di ko agad masagot. Text niyo na lang ako.
Ma: Hindi, basta dapat sagutin mo yung tawag namin.
Me: -____-

Given that my parents and I are in a conflict due to my grades, it's expected that any conversations that will take place today will turn out as the latter.

I don't want to talk to them today. I don't want to have to put up with their coldness and/or temper. I just can't do it now... though I know that, at some point, I'll have to face them.

I don't understand why I'm so afraid. I wonder how people find it so easy to face dilemmas like these with ease... or are they just bullshitting me by giving advice that they haven't quite heeded themselves?

I don't blame people for giving advice that they can't heed or haven't heeded yet. As per our Lit14 class discussion yesterday, it's easier to view one's self objectively if a distance is set between the self and the observing entity, and in line with that, it's definitely easier to preach than to practice what has been preached. I would know because, I'm guilty of giving advice that I can't exactly label to be personally "tried and tested". Observing my schema on this matter, I guess I do this because I want to see how people would do as I suggested, and once they accomplish that, maybe I can learn from them and, in turn, have that ability to translate the theory into application. Call it ridiculous, but that's an inference I can draw out of my actions. I've never been a wise, level-headed individual, and neither has anyone else, so I'd rather that you cut me some slack before criticizing my lack of sensibility.

Right now, I'm scared to my wits. I don't want to deal with my parents yet. However, if I let this persist, things will get worse.

Right now, I just want to cool the porridge before I eat it. But the problem here is, what if the porridge is already too cold? Or worse, what if the porridge never cools?

Oh, I don't know. My psyche's too messed up to figure out the answers. I know I have to figure this one out on my own and I can't expect anyone to save me from this rut... but that fact is double-edged, because it reminds me that I'm alone here, and that no one can help me.

Oh well. This is where a deranged and twisted mind can take someone.

I hope no one ever turns out like me. Believe me, my mind is the last thing you'd definitely want to have.

And, oh snap, it's 1:31. My class is at 2 PM. Ergo, I have to run. I'll write about something less personal (read: the play I'm about to watch later, Walang Sugat) and more apt to the general public than my personal rants that no one really needs to absorb, anyway.

Til then, I'm leaving you with one of the songs I believe is the carrier single of the OST playlist of my life, 3 Doors Down's "Away from the Sun". Enjoy! ;)

posted on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 @ 9:01 PM