My mother and I had another "conversation" on the phone almost an hour ago, and it wasn't very pleasant. Actually, it wasn't pleasant at all.
It hurts whenever they call. As my phone vibrates (I prefer to keep my phone on silent mode even when I'm at home), I end up debating on whether I should pick up or let the call be another missed one. Either way, I still get that sickening sensation of being the terrible daughter. Terrible in both ways, yes; because if I pick up and I end up saying something that might insult them, that makes a bad daughter out of me, and if I don't pick up, it's as if I'm ignoring their attempts to reach me, hence making me a bad daughter as well.
Anyway, that's just a little lead-in to what's been going on in my mind: the discussion we had in Psy101 class yesterday on human development and parenting.
Particularly, we discussed the different outcomes of a child's personality given the phallic stage of development (when a child is 4-7 years of age) and the flow of relationships a.) between the parents; b.) between the child and each parent, and; c.) in the family as a whole. Our professor basically gave us "What if..." situations, and gave us the technical terms for the consequent effects of each situation, with respect to the goddesses in Greek mythology.
Here's a little of what we tackled.
The Aphrodite ComplexKnown in psychology as the Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), this occurs in a woman who uses her sexuality to get attention, and eventually, get them to do what she wants. This happens when a girl who falls in love with her father due to penis envy succeeds in gaining his attention with her means of seduction. Women who develop this complex end up becoming the flirtatious girls who use their physical appearance and/or sex appeal to have their way, especially with men.
The Athena ComplexAlso known as the "Daddy's Girl" complex, this happens when a daughter falls in love with the father so much that she looks up to him and slowly becomes like his "splitting image". Women who have this complex can be considered as the "younger version" of their fathers, even to the point of living under their fathers' shadows and fulfilling the responsibilities that the father is supposed to be fulfilling. These women tend to be domineering and not as nurturing.
The Hera ComplexWhen a woman is overly clingy to her partner in a relationship, she may possess this complex. This is usually the result of the father abandoning the child. Because of this, a girl whose tendencies to this complex persist ends up pursuing men who possess the qualities of the father, and doesn't let go in the fear of being abandoned again, even if the relationship is already abusive.
The Artemis ComplexArtemis is the hunter of the gods and is the goddess of chastity, which explains why this was the name given to women who are independent and do not feel the need to have a male partner, or at least, not as much as other women. "I don't need a man" would be the mantra of this type of woman. Feminists are typical examples of women with this complex.
The Demeter ComplexThis is a complex typical to all mothers. A woman with Demeter Complex is nurturing and motherly, often to the point of being overprotective. This usually happens when a girl is left to be the one who takes care of everyone else in the family, or if a girl gets married and raises children already. A woman with this complex becomes most overprotective during the adolescence period of her child, when the child already wants to assert his or her individuality.
This retaliation against the child's desire to "grow up" and "be independent" is due to the mother's fear of no longer being needed. As a dedicated mother who has decided to spend the rest of her life taking care of her offspring,
the mother's greatest fear is waking up to find that her children no longer need her, thus being left with no remaining purpose in life.Okay, I'll stop there.
The Demeter Complex really caught my attention because, as you may already know, it applies to my relationship with my mother. As this definition of the Demeter Complex sank in deeper into my mind, I began to put myself in my parents' shoes. Regarding what Anton told me the last time we met, "
Mahalaga rin yung side
nila (Their side is also important)". The more I envisioned things from their point-of-view, the more I felt like crying and telling my imagination to just... STOP.
Their narcissism probably results to that strong urge inside them which tells them that they have to do something to help me. They're mad at me because they expect that their efforts will pay off, and the thing is, they use grades to measure that fact. Although this doesn't justify how they shut off my side altogether, these grounds only attest to one statement: I CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR HOW THEY'RE REACTING.
They've alienated me due to the times when they condemned me and took my emotions for granted. They've alienated me due to the times when they'd incessantly compare me to whoever they end up seeing. Because they want me to be an archetype daughter so badly, I feel pressured into having to fit into this mold of what a daughter should be.
My Psy101 concluded his lecture with these pieces of advice:
"Don't expect people to change. Your parents are beyond your control, they'll never change. What you can do is to change your perception of how they're treating you. You have to adjust."
"Pag nag-aaway kayo at may pattern kang nakikita (Whenever you fight and you see a pattern in each one), break the pattern and you'll see a big change."
In my mind, I said, "I wonder how I'll break this pattern. I'm really, really close to giving up on this whole thing." I was reflecting on everything at the time... then my professor added:
"Psy101 is taught to you as a means for you to learn more about yourself. Once you find yourself relating to any of the situations presented to you here, don't let it stop to insight alone. Insight is the very first step to change, but if nothing goes beyond insight, nothing will happen. Upon taking the first step, in one way or another, you'll have to find your way to the next step, which is making the next move."(I have no idea why everything my professor told the class matched my problems perfectly, as though he was addressing only me. But, it doesn't matter that I don't know.)
After ransacking my head for any possible solutions, especially given the epic fail conversation that just happened today, I decided to return to another bit of advice given earlier on by my Psy101 professor, with respect to the Demeter Complex--that the best way to deal with this complex is to make them (the parents) feel that, although you're growing up, their presence is still needed. In other words, I must acknowledge their purpose in my existence, and actually make them feel that they are indeed appreciated.
Maybe it is my failure to do just that that's making my relationship with them so rocky.
I think I know what I can do to start. I just need to bring this issue of my F-ic fail Chemistry grade to a close... and I have a lead as to how. I won't be telling you yet what I intend to do, but I hope it works.
Maybe, just maybe... it will.
The Aphrodite Complex
The Athena Complex
The Hera Complex
The Artemis Complex
The Demeter Complex