I have three blog entries in the Drafts category (the one before this could have been the fourth, but I opted to post it for editing once I get the nerve to re-work it) and I certainly hope this entry won't be one of them. Cliche as it may sound, I have so much in my mind, so much that before I can properly put any of them down, my mind flutters from one idea to the next. For someone who is (usually) meticulous in this sort of thing, it can be really frustrating to be fickle-minded as to what to write. Personally, I don't like having work left unfinished, but that's what ends up being the case.
Anyway, I'll blog about something major while it hasn't tapered off my mind yet.
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This afternoon, I just remembered that I failed to accomplish the teachers' evaluation on the Ateneo AISIS site. According to Ate Myta, a friend of mine from the upper batches, that would result to a hold order if we don't clear it before the final examinations . In line with that, I'll use this blogging opportunity to do an evaluation on myself.
According to what I had been taught in my English subjects in the Ateneo as of late, every essay must have a thesis statement, to be integrated with the introductory paragraph. I want to be straightforward with the way I'm presenting my stance (given the length of everything that will follow). Therefore, I'll start with this:I feel like I'm screwing up my entire college life.
Next, there should be supporting arguments to back up the thesis statement. I'm writing this as a draft and not a prospectus, so I'll do away with the bullet points/outline format and just write about one argument per paragraph.I haven't been to training for several weeks, for a smorgasbord of reasons. It's either I was sick, had something to do, or simply was too tired that I opted not to show up. As a result, I haven't improved much as a dancer than I should have by now. Not only that, I feel alienated from the people in the club, because I don't know much of what is happening. Okay, so this might just be paranoia, but the fact that the people there already have this connection and I'm completely out of the loop--it feels... sad.
I stopped being active as a block representative sometime around late January, mostly because I felt that I wasn't contributing much and that I come to a meeting completely clueless and, to an extent, indifferent (?) to the agenda on the meeting. Yes, I enjoy working with the people there, and no, I don't harbor any negative feelings for anyone in the Sanggunian. But, later on, I just felt that, although being in the Sanggunian is indeed a privilege granted unto me with trust by my blockmates, it's not my calling. I simply don't enjoy it anymore.
I haven't finished the syntheses I was supposed to send to my En12 class, one of three classes I'm doing beadle (think of it as the "professor's slave" call-of-duty) work for. I was able to type them down, but my malfunctioning email address simply failed in posting the tabulations to the class e-Group and I didn't have the energy to re-type and re-tabulate everything. Now that I think about it, I should have just given them the darn ballots to save me the work. But that wouldn't be fair since I did two syntheses for the first two groups. Ah, what the hell.
I'll come clean here and say that my final argumentative research paper (ARP) in En12 is still nonexistent, or not fully existent yet, to say the least. I re-worked my paper in accordance to the rubrics given to us by our professor, and so far, I barely have much substantial content in my paper. I'm compromising my writing style just to get a decent (no, not D-cent, though that's what happens in the end) grade, because we write according to what is expected of us in the university. I wasn't interested in the topic, and the fact that I had to write based on the style dictated to us dampened my enthusiasm altogether. Also, it doesn't help that my writing ability has been greatly crippled for five months (for reasons I prefer not to discuss here), such that finishing a paragraph is already such a chore. Also, my previous passes are either missing or nonexistent (I can't quite remember anymore). Best of luck to me with the research folio that we're supposed to submit tomorrow at 1:30 in class, along with the final paper.
I have an advisory grade of F in NatSci2 (Chemistry), and a D in Ma11 (Advanced Algebra). I got grades like these for two reasons: I failed two Long Exams (for both subjects), and I simply don't understand what the professor is teaching (as with Chemistry). Math has always been my fatal weakness, so fatal that I'll be lucky if I manage to get a D in an examination. Although my Math professor is undeniably brilliant as a teacher (in spite of his eccentric subtleties), I can't quite say the same for my Chemistry professor. I don't want to backstab him, but I feel like he hasn't effectively achieved the purpose he said the course aims to achieve: for us to appreciate Chemistry as an important element in our lives.
I haven't gotten around to accomplish my shifting plans yet. My trips to the guidance office aren't helping, and I have yet to go to the Philosophy Department. I have to work on this soon, though; I can't take up Ma19 (I'm sure to fail it anyway), and I can't and don't want to go on with Legal Management anymore, no matter how agreeable the course is in my social context. Besides, I really wanted to take up Philosophy to begin with.
I haven't really collected the P100 that I was supposed to collect for the class photocopying fund in Lit14 class, another one of the three classes I do beadle work for. I haven't done this at the time I was supposed to have done it because back then, I had too much money in my hands (I had to collect money from so many other affiliations). I am sure the professor will kill me if he finds out, so... yeah. I informed the class about this failure of mine, and they agreed to pay me P60 (more than P30 was already used up for photocopies already given out in class). Now, I'm doing my best to keep track of attendance as accurately as possible, and making sure that I don't end up failing to do my obligations again.
After the extensive list of supporting arguments, here are the extra details. I forgot what to call this part of the paper (sub-supporting arguments, perhaps?), but, whatever.Yes, I have a lot of failures and I feel terrible just knowing that I am back to being a mediocre student. I want to do better, but I can't bring myself to do just that. Once again, I find myself asking myself, demanding from myself reasons as to why I can't do what I said I'd do. There are people who don't know why I end up using only part of my potential, or better yet, why I can't succeed in spite of my abilities. It sounds ridiculous, but I find myself asking myself the same thing when I should be giving them answers to justify my actions. However, I am only just beginning to unfold the reason(s) why I keep failing miserably like this.
I'm failing because I'm fed up. I'm sick and tired of everything, especially of being sick and tired. I'm burned out. I don't have a sense of direction anymore. I crave for work the way a nymphomaniac craves for sex, yet I fall apart before I get to fully accomplish my responsibilities; thus, I am left exhausted and discontented, deprived and unsatisfied. It's not a matter of motivation anymore; I have my family, friends, Anton and so many other people to keep me going (supposedly). The problem already lies somewhere inside me, and it's beyond anyone's control except mine.
Other reasons which go beyond my personal weaknesses are that I am against how college limits an individual into thinking in a certain way. Every academic institution tends to do this, and I'll digress and say that this cannot be helped. However, the mere fact that students are given a strict regimen that they must follow in the name of the goddamned A instead of finding their way to getting that, even in the most unconventional and outlandish ways, can already be considered to be "spoonfeeding". Perhaps some of you may think that there is nothing wrong with that, but I personally am the kind of person who prefers finding her own innovations to get out of situations. I prefer moving in the direction my intellect takes me; I don't like being held bound by restrictions that I don't understand. I need guidance, indeed, but the idea of failing not because of a lack of ability but because of inability to follow the impositions of a higher power is not my cup of tea. Sadly, this part of my character is a detriment to my grades.
The thought of filing for a leave of absence (LOA) crossed my mind once before, but I pushed it away the minute my mind thought of the idea. Sure, it will give me ample time to think things over and clear my head, but one thing that is sure to drive me crazy, even more than having too much work on my plate, is having no work to do at all. Idleness will only make me crave for work, the craving for which is basically the root of all this stress.
I've never been good at handling stress properly, the same way I can't tame my emotions and keep them from invading my system excessively. I believe something is wrong with me psychologically, but no one would believe me whenever I'd tell them I feel I'm going mad. It seems to be a joke, but it isn't. Then again, if people take my "pleads for insanity" seriously, it shall be a fatal blow to my reputation. My parents are not open to the possibility of me going off-kilter with regards to my mental state (or in other words, they'll disown me the minute they realize I truly am going crazy), and Anton's mother might not approve me if she finds out that I'm susceptible to psychological disorders (who would want their son to be with a crazy girl?). However, in spite of all this, there is still that nagging feeling in me that says I need psychological help. I'm paranoid, uneasy and unable to cope with stress. Something really IS wrong here.
Lastly, there has to be a conclusion, a resolution to everything that was mentioned in the essay. Preferably, it should be a summation of all the arguments stated, but I'll deviate from that. This essay is open-ended; therefore, I cannot conclude yet.I want to survive my freshman year with good grades and less regrets, if any. I don't want disappointment to come my way. I don't want to be afraid of my AISIS account. I don't want to lose anyone's trust and faith in me and my abilities. But if I carry on like this, all these wants will remain as idle wishes of a secretly desperate sixteen-year-old who's taking in more than what she can finish.
Maybe self-exploration is the only thing that can help me. The problem is, I can't even do that right. Oh yes, I must be going mad.
Somebody please bring me to a specialist.
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Wow. I actually wrote something like that, full of effort, taking into consideration the things I've learned in school. Unfortunately, this won't be used as a basis to get my grades up. If only I can do the same thing with my ARP tonight. *sigh*
Goodness, Fam. You really ARE miserable.
posted on Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 1:13 AM
