Today was like a cupcake:
SIMPLE but SATISFYING.
The title of this blog entry doesn't seem like something I would say, much less put as my "Religious Views" on Facebook. However, now that I think about it, the thought of having a friend who surpasses human weakness and promises unconditional love in a world where love has limitations is comforting, invoking hope into me when I nearly have none left.
Anyway, I had a good day today. Fulfilling, if I may say :)
After class, Kristi, Jamie, Nathan and I went to Aerie (a lounge at Cervini Hall, the boys' dorm in the Ateneo) for the launching of their LIFE Meeting, which is basically a weekly fellowship for us Ateneans. Last night, Jamie invited me to sing a song for their jam session, and I obliged, thinking, "Wala namang masama kung makisali ako, diba?". It's a good thing I didn't refuse the offer. I can't imagine my rainy summer evening to have turned out any better.
Over cameras, cupcakes and connections (we were mostly invited by the people from the Destiny Church), we feasted on two hours of singing, sharing, praying and listening. I never thought I'd say this given my religion, but this is the way I've always wanted to pray. Who cares if the church is Evangelical? I enjoyed it, and it enforced the faith I should have had years ago.
I was the final act for the jam session, and it turned out well despite how I suddenly forgot the tune to the bridge of the song I was singing (OH WAIT. I really didn't get how the tune went to begin with. FAIL. Hahaha!). I don't have any pictures now, but I'll make sure to post a picture of me performing just so you can see how much of a fail I am with a microphone at hand. Now if Ate Rach would check her Facebook and accept my friend request...
...and yes, as anyone in the Southern Tagalog (PH) would know, it rained today after so long. I was thankful for the rain; the earth is parched and it needed a drink. Experts said the rain was acidic, but I got wet and my skin didn't get acid burns, so... Hahah! No, seriously, acid rain isn't really nature's fault. It's the fault of human beings and the consequence of technology. Even then, acid rain is actually a good thing. The atmosphere needs to be cleansed of impurities, too, you know. Problem is, if the sky had a face, we people on Earth would be the vermin on the bathroom sink.
I had dinner with the same people I went to Aerie with shortly after the fellowship. I'm glad that I was able to connect with them, especially since all four of them are from Mindanao and they know each other from way, way back. Thanks be to God for helping me be less of a bitch tonight. :)
***
"If you have stopped believing, even if you're still alive you're already dead."
Tonight's sharing was about BELIEVING, and, as would anyone who knows my current situations, it really applies to me. Having faith in things is something I'm struggling to do. Why is it so hard? Maybe I'm scared of getting hurt. Maybe I'm scared of my past repeating itself and haunting me. Maybe I'm really just a coward and I'm too proud to admit it. Either way, I have a considerable amount of inhibition to defeat, and I need every drop of determination I have to make it through. The thought of my doubts and their prevalence in my psyche remain in my mind every night as I go to sleep. I managed to shed these thoughts and have some clarity last night (which led to my surprisingly early awakening this morning), but at some point, I have to conquer the foe. To do that, I must not calm my own fears and trust in what there is to trust. That is my life challenge as of the moment.
God is my best friend now because I have reached the point where I need a being higher than anyone else in this world to guide me. It helps to believe that there is someone up there who cares and loves unconditionally. That is what I need right now, to believe that the existence of a love that will not falter beats for me somewhere. Maybe it lies out there, an hour or a lifetime away from where I stand (or sit, or whatever), but the moment of certainty will come once I have learned to harness the love embedded within the depths of my heart and ignite it within myself, so that other people will feel that I love them and the love I have is genuine, unbridled and free.
Oh well, only time will tell. I hold my head up high, though. If I have managed to alter my way of thinking into this light, then converting my doubts into faith will not be impossible. My strength is somewhere in here, and for as long as I'm loved, I'll survive. :)
***
Anyway, here's my current nerve-wracker.
I'll come clean and say that I have NO idea what must have gotten into my head when I signed up for the OrSem host hunt. I love hosting and I've had a lot of experience since grade school, but maybe this will be just like my blueRep tryouts: I won't necessarily be chosen but how much I love what I'm doing, but by how good I am (or they think I am) at it. After all, life revolves around a marketing ploy demeanor now. Sure, they'll look at passion and gusto too, but they won't bother unless they are convinced that I actually have what it takes. I'm up against so many aspirants, and I'm starting to run out of reasons to convince myself that I can be a good OrSem host. I can talk well, but a lot of Ateneans can do that. Sure, I can be perky, but I'm afraid that I'll look like I'm trying too hard. I don't have enough clothes OR accessories to establish the otherwise youthful and vibrant parts of my personality, and although I can sing and dance, the others would most likely be able to do that too, and perhaps a whole lot better than I ever will. Oh, Lord, MY CONFIDENCE IS FAILING.
Auditions start next week. Hopefully I pull myself together and enjoy. I don't know if I stand a chance in the tryouts anyway, so... QUE SERA SERA.
I'll leave you all with a prayer before I turn in for the night.
