My 11:11 Wish:
I WANT TO BELIEVE IN
YOU.
I really don't know what to blog about, but I was quite determined to blog tonight, mostly because I don't like the feeling of having an under-maintained site. Earlier, I was planning to write a taboo short story, but that will have to wait.
First off: EPIC ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE DAY :D
I made it to the student facilitator applications! :)
(just click on the image for you to see the content clearly)
I didn't think I would make it. Although I have a way-above-passing QPI (okay, if I seem like I'm bragging, I apologize), I still had D's which, in my opinion, are more of a turn-off when applying for anything that entails much responsibility. Also, I know it's a really hectic job for an upperclassman. But, hey, I don't really mind. I'm up for the challenge :)
My interview is on the 3rd of May, and I have to do a "teaching" demonstration sometime during the 30 minutes of screening. Will I make the cut? I hope so. Sure, I'm used to communicating with people in different settings, but hey, I can never tell. I don't want to underestimate the foe, even if I'm playing in the field I've known for the past eight years.
I hope I make the cut, though. I really want to establish a connection with the freshmen right after us :D And no, I don't mean anyone in particular. Hahaha.
***
Moving on, this day marks the first time I've ever been to Banapple. I must say, I enjoyed it! And for the first time, I actually DIDN'T finish my food. Hahaha.
Kristi, my roommate and I went there on a whim. It's pretty near our dorm in Katipunan (a P50 cab ride away), so getting there wasn't such a problem. When I went there, I was taken by how many people there were in the place. It seemed as though a lot of people were there since the restaurant is small. But, it's completely understandable why so many people go there.
Kristi wasn't kidding when she said that P200 will definitely go a long way. I went a little over the top and spent around P360, underestimating how hefty the servings are. As a result, I ended up taking a doggie bag with me on the way home.
True enough, the food is simply delectable and worth every peso. My P360 already bought me: a fudge banana smoothie (Php90), which had roughly a little more than the quantity of a grande-size Starbucks frappucino; the Chicken and Bell Pepper Sandwich (P120), which was basically two large sandwiches of baked chicken and papers on light wheat bread, and; the Penne Pasta (I forgot the exact name), which uses a meat sauce with a tomato pesto base. Kristi had the Salpicao, which looked really lean and fresh since the beef almost had no fat grills in it (and the rice looked like it had butter but didn't look greasy to eat). We were planning to have some cake for dessert, but we were so full with our meals that we couldn't take another bite.
The trip to Banapple was timely, especially since I felt the hormones kicking in. I was getting paranoid again, and I immediately got offended with things that I would normally push aside. As usual, Kristi and I had our special roommate "heart-to-heart" talks over good food, and believe me, the feeling of sharing a simple moment like that with a special friend is simply beautiful.
When we got back to the dorm, we had a "cell" meeting (which is basically a little prayer session), and it turned out a lot better than I thought. I broke down in the middle of sharing; I was sharing all of the ill feelings I was harboring beneath the collected, "nothing's wrong and I'm all good" facade I've been putting up.
In talking to Kristi and sharing revelations about our faith, I was able to release all of my frustrations without anyone criticizing me for what I felt. It wasn't the mere ranting I'd usually do with other people. It was really an exposition of the inner Fatima--the recessive part of me--and Kristi was both a witness and an inducer. Through the meeting we had, not only was I able to release all my pent-up frustrations, grievances and insecurities, I was also able to reaffirm something I have held on to for almost a year now (to be expounded on later).
I'm glad I have her as a roommate. Hahaha! I love you, Kristi :*
***
Oh yeah, it's been a couple of weeks since I started summer classes. So far, I've been doing well. ITM (my Computer pre-requisite for Accounting) may be a bitch, and Econ class may be too early, but I'm still having fun. Unlike the last semester where everything was so haggard, I feel like I'm actually able to digest everything fully. Apart from the cruel heat, this summer is a refreshing change to how I'd usually spend my summer: bumming around my house in Batangas and surfing the Net, oversleeping and overeating. Tres bien? Oui oui ;)
I've been struggling with my insecurities this summer, in the sense that I'm trying my best to get over them. Today was a day when I was sort of giving in to them, and felt bad because of it. I confided in a few friends and the conversations that ensued made me shed a tear or two, but it's okay. I don't mind crying, and, now that I think about it, the conversations actually made me think.
I know the feeling of being a third wheel, and I've known how it's like for so long. However, there are just some times when I feel like I'm still the third wheel, even if I'm already supposedly "the girl". It's hard to have faith in the emotions that are supposedly for me, due to the fact that I am more than aware of the feelings for the "one that got away". I still feel like I have to compete against perfection from years past, and the feeling simply doesn't go away, even with understanding. It hurts to accept the truth that the one I love is still stuck in the past, yet I can't be critical about it... because if ever (God forbid) what we have now will have to end, I'd most likely be feeling the same things he's feeling with her.
No matter how I often find myself sighing in exasperation when I find that I don't see him eye-to-eye, I still have an immense feeling of pride for having refused to let go even when the temptation was too great. No, I wasn't tempted to leave him for anyone else, but then the pain is sometimes too hard to handle. I mean, come on, it isn't easy to love someone who, apparently, is still in love with someone else whom he sees as "perfection", right? However, I take pride in the beauty in his soul that even he almost always overlooks. He's benevolent and compassionate to all living things. He's wise and he takes into utmost consideration everything that goes on about him. He knows how to feel and think, and the way he falls in love is undoubtedly admirable. I admire the strength of his love, though I know that it isn't directed at me (well, at least, not fully me LOL). He may not tell me everyday that he loves me, but I look into his eyes and see the possibility of the affection he feels in his heart for me. I doubt the certain existence of his love at times, but his warmth pulls me to him and gives me the will to make things work and to conquer my inner demon in the name of our love.
Needless to say, I am weak and immature. The people I may have been ranting to might see me as a two-faced girl, due to the things I'm saying now, when in fact I haven't come to any of these realizations at all earlier. Yes, I fail to see the other side of things when I'm upset, but that's humanity to you. I complain a lot and I know it's not something to be proud of, but in spite of everything, my feelings of positivity and determination thrives on. It doesn't always show, but I can tell you that it's beating right here *points to chest*.
Lately, I finally get to see him looking at me in the eye and smiling at me. Deep down, I feel that the looks are quite intense, so intense that I just have to look away. My heart feels like it'll explode in my chest if I prolong my stare into his warm eyes, and when he looks at me with that sensual, mysterious smile, my entire soul sets itself on fire. There's just something about him that makes me go up in flames, as if I were to be reborn again and that there was a new life lurking in me somewhere, waiting to be unleashed.
Sometimes, I feel like it isn't real. Yes, I have my doubts and I know I'll be hated for it. But, I need my time to fully establish the optimal faith I have in love. The things I know hinder me from believing in the love that is supposedly there for me, but as long as there's life, there is hope... and hope is what I want to hold on to. I just need to have faith, and believe, and love, even if I don't know where I'm headed anymore.
No matter how twisted everything seems to be, I'm still in love with him. And I doubt that it'll change... even if we end up having to say goodbye. (and now you know why I can't be critical towards the "past life" issues. LOL)
Oh and, if you (yes, YOU) get to read this, feel free to abhor me. I think that you would know that my thoughts are always vile and it shows through my writing. As you go to sleep tonight, I pray that love will keep you warm. Love is around you, and love is within me, reaching out to you.
OH, SHIT. I have to sleep.
Good night, guys. :)
posted on Tuesday, April 27, 2010 @ 6:50 AM
