BEAUTIFUL.
Such is the beating of the heart in your chest
vivid in passion, tamed by control.
Such is the calm in your voice, soothing rage
should the roars of upset dare sound.
Such is the touch of your graceful hand
that ever dared hurt or scourge no one.
Such is the smile that, on your lips, always rests
the creed and acclaim of us all, it stole.
Such is you wisdom, transcending your age
reminding that the world still goes 'round.
Such is the faith where you firmly stand
the spring that's borne the things you've done.
Now that my joys and pains are sown
I reckon, it's time you knew
You've affected eternity--at least, my own
I'd have never survived without you.
-- "Beautiful": A Sonnet for Paula Briones
TO MY SWEET CRANBERRY,
After what feels like forever, I've written something in this blog outside the usual dosage of complaints that I write here like chemicals drained into a sewer. I originally intended this letter to be a plethora of the usual script. Yes, I've looked back onto the letters I write everyone and I noticed that they seem to say the same thing. However, when I woke up today, I decided that you deserve far more than the usual. Hence, I've written you the little poem you see before this paragraph. Also, I'll try to be a little more brief and a lot less, uh, melancholic. It's about time I stopped bringing people down with me.
2010 was one heck of a year. Remember when we were talking about 2009 and hoping it would be better the next year? Apparently, because I've waited for things to fix themselves, nothing really changed. As a matter of fact, things got worse. It got so bad, that I ended up neglecting the things that, in retrospect, I should never have left unattended. For those I did give my attention to, I am aware of one thing I know I've done wrong: because I was caught up in my own delusions of problems and issues, I ceased to listen. I failed to realize that there was a world apart from myself and that because all my mind can remember is the letter "I", I forgot about everything else... including "U".
So, I make the first move by apologizing for one thing that I think (rather, hope) encompasses everything I want to make up for: not listening. I drowned myself to the thunder inside me that I failed to listen to the wind outside me that tried incessantly to pull me back together. Concretely speaking, I regret being a self-centered friend. Remember the time we were talking to each other and what was supposed to be your time to vent became mine? I felt really bad about that. I failed to fully absorb that one word you've been telling me for so long: BREATHE. I deceived myself in false peace, that I, in a twisted way, went against your advice. I said I'd do what you told me, yet in effect, I didn't. In some way, I lied. And friends don't deserve to be lied to.
So, there. I hope the apology part ends there. Not because I'm too proud to be sorry, but I just don't want to promise things anymore. All I can see now are broken promises, and... okay. Let's not get into that. :)
Moving on, this next part is actually quite harder than getting the intent of apology across. Why? How can I find the words to thank you?
Perhaps I really am just being melodramatic. All I feel now is the sensation of pretending that I'm whole, when I feel like every heartbeat is constrained by a band of silk with studs of shattered glass (dramatic description, I know). I admit that my judgment is far from clear, and I'm keeping myself from fully feeling the pain of confusion and a broken heart. But, moving that aside, sometimes it's already a bad feeling to know that trying to pay back a crying shoulder and a listening ear with nothing but words. It's as if I'm a pauper paying for an estate with only the coins that passersby have bothered to throw at me.
So, the gratitude portion (yes, I'm sorry, it's still quite structured) will just contain just those two words: THANK YOU. I wish I can give more, but I don't intend to drown you with words like I already am doing, actually. The only thing that I can do to give those two words life and substance is by being a better friend--by listening entirely and being less self-centered, by letting you feel in even the most unorthodox of times that you are, indeed, beautiful.
I don't get to see you everyday, but I can attest to the fact that you are, like a flower, blooming to the state of "full bloom". The best part about you is that, though I don't have the eyes to see the future, I truly believe that you will never wilt and die out. Your colors will always glow with every ray of light that hits you, and your delicate fragrance will perpetually leave everyone smiling. Your ability to affect people with your virtue and grace is something I see in you that I can't see in anyone else. The clarity in your mind and the pureness in your heart were given to you by the Most High, as I now see, for a purpose. I believe you were born to soothe and tame the hearts of troubled souls, while also reminding them that they have to look beyond their own wounds and search for the cure within themselves. I know this, because this is how you have affected me, and for that I will always remain grateful to be close enough to know you this way.
So, there. Before I babble out a sea of words, I guess I should take it from here. You've grown to be a wonderful woman, and I know that everyone out there is happy that they've met you. It doesn't matter if they've met you only this year or from the moment you were born. In your own special way, you have affected eternity, and the lives of so many people will never be the same without you. :)
I'll raise a glass for your happiness and fulfillment in 2011 and the years to come! I know that this year will be another year for you to discover the world and yourself. I don't know if I've reminded you of this frequently enough, but I'm here for you. You know where to find me. I'll always be around.
Happy New Year, Paula! I love you. ♥
Yours,
Fatima Medina
posted on Wednesday, December 29, 2010 @ 11:42 PM
