Don’t get me wrong. I don’t care if I’m not the prettiest, wealthiest, kindest, smartest or most talented girl in the world, and I don’t care at all if you’re the epitome of perfection. But there are times when I wish that I were in your shoes, that I wish I was you. I could have it now because you let it slip away, but you had it first and it will no longer be the same for me. It beats for you til this day, and it’s that beat that deafens me and makes me betray every form of empathy I had with myself.
My ego’s beaten up. It’s been beaten up the day I realized that I was just a recipient of a love that couldn’t go to its original addressee. But can I complain? No, I can’t. I can’t, because no matter what, I’ll always come out as the insecure one, the doubting freak, the jealous bitch. I’ll go insane if I keep this in, but there’s no one to tell all this to. Everyone tells me to stop being insecure, to stop this game I’m playing with myself. But this is NOT a game, and I’m not frolicking, just so anyone knows. It’s easy for people to say that, because they’re not the ones confronted with the struggle of being compared to a former standard, to a memoir off the pages of the past.
I can’t help but feel awful each time I remember you, a stranger who otherwise has nothing to do with me. You remind me of the only thing I know will always be yours, even if you don’t realize it. No matter how much I try to purge myself of these ill thoughts and carry on unfazed, I will always bear a seething envy directed at no one else but you. I can’t hate you, for you haven’t done anything to me, but I will always look at you and find myself wishing that I played the role you once played from not too long ago.
Of course no one will understand where I’m coming from. Of course, I’ll always be the one at fault here. I get it. It’s the same story. This has been happening for too many times, so much that I know everyone looks at me with eyes of disdain, and that his eyes look at me with exasperation. Yes, I talk about the same grievance, and sooner or later, I’ll find myself regretting writing this piece of shit.
Ako rin naman ang lalabas na mali dito e. Alam ko na yun.I wish I hadn’t “known” you. Maybe if I didn’t, my life would be a lot more peaceful.
Oh wait, that still won’t change things. Oh well.
posted on Thursday, June 10, 2010 @ 8:03 AM
