Let's Skinny Dip in the Open Flame ;)

I find myself constantly asking "Why?".

I have three blog entries in the Drafts category (the one before this could have been the fourth, but I opted to post it for editing once I get the nerve to re-work it) and I certainly hope this entry won't be one of them. Cliche as it may sound, I have so much in my mind, so much that before I can properly put any of them down, my mind flutters from one idea to the next. For someone who is (usually) meticulous in this sort of thing, it can be really frustrating to be fickle-minded as to what to write. Personally, I don't like having work left unfinished, but that's what ends up being the case.

Anyway, I'll blog about something major while it hasn't tapered off my mind yet.

*********************

This afternoon, I just remembered that I failed to accomplish the teachers' evaluation on the Ateneo AISIS site. According to Ate Myta, a friend of mine from the upper batches, that would result to a hold order if we don't clear it before the final examinations . In line with that, I'll use this blogging opportunity to do an evaluation on myself.

According to what I had been taught in my English subjects in the Ateneo as of late, every essay must have a thesis statement, to be integrated with the introductory paragraph. I want to be straightforward with the way I'm presenting my stance (given the length of everything that will follow). Therefore, I'll start with this:

I feel like I'm screwing up my entire college life.

Next, there should be supporting arguments to back up the thesis statement. I'm writing this as a draft and not a prospectus, so I'll do away with the bullet points/outline format and just write about one argument per paragraph.

I haven't been to training for several weeks, for a smorgasbord of reasons. It's either I was sick, had something to do, or simply was too tired that I opted not to show up. As a result, I haven't improved much as a dancer than I should have by now. Not only that, I feel alienated from the people in the club, because I don't know much of what is happening. Okay, so this might just be paranoia, but the fact that the people there already have this connection and I'm completely out of the loop--it feels... sad.

I stopped being active as a block representative sometime around late January, mostly because I felt that I wasn't contributing much and that I come to a meeting completely clueless and, to an extent, indifferent (?) to the agenda on the meeting. Yes, I enjoy working with the people there, and no, I don't harbor any negative feelings for anyone in the Sanggunian. But, later on, I just felt that, although being in the Sanggunian is indeed a privilege granted unto me with trust by my blockmates, it's not my calling. I simply don't enjoy it anymore.

I haven't finished the syntheses I was supposed to send to my En12 class, one of three classes I'm doing beadle (think of it as the "professor's slave" call-of-duty) work for. I was able to type them down, but my malfunctioning email address simply failed in posting the tabulations to the class e-Group and I didn't have the energy to re-type and re-tabulate everything. Now that I think about it, I should have just given them the darn ballots to save me the work. But that wouldn't be fair since I did two syntheses for the first two groups. Ah, what the hell.

I'll come clean here and say that my final argumentative research paper (ARP) in En12 is still nonexistent, or not fully existent yet, to say the least. I re-worked my paper in accordance to the rubrics given to us by our professor, and so far, I barely have much substantial content in my paper. I'm compromising my writing style just to get a decent (no, not D-cent, though that's what happens in the end) grade, because we write according to what is expected of us in the university. I wasn't interested in the topic, and the fact that I had to write based on the style dictated to us dampened my enthusiasm altogether. Also, it doesn't help that my writing ability has been greatly crippled for five months (for reasons I prefer not to discuss here), such that finishing a paragraph is already such a chore. Also, my previous passes are either missing or nonexistent (I can't quite remember anymore). Best of luck to me with the research folio that we're supposed to submit tomorrow at 1:30 in class, along with the final paper.

I have an advisory grade of F in NatSci2 (Chemistry), and a D in Ma11 (Advanced Algebra). I got grades like these for two reasons: I failed two Long Exams (for both subjects), and I simply don't understand what the professor is teaching (as with Chemistry). Math has always been my fatal weakness, so fatal that I'll be lucky if I manage to get a D in an examination. Although my Math professor is undeniably brilliant as a teacher (in spite of his eccentric subtleties), I can't quite say the same for my Chemistry professor. I don't want to backstab him, but I feel like he hasn't effectively achieved the purpose he said the course aims to achieve: for us to appreciate Chemistry as an important element in our lives.

I haven't gotten around to accomplish my shifting plans yet. My trips to the guidance office aren't helping, and I have yet to go to the Philosophy Department. I have to work on this soon, though; I can't take up Ma19 (I'm sure to fail it anyway), and I can't and don't want to go on with Legal Management anymore, no matter how agreeable the course is in my social context. Besides, I really wanted to take up Philosophy to begin with.

I haven't really collected the P100 that I was supposed to collect for the class photocopying fund in Lit14 class, another one of the three classes I do beadle work for. I haven't done this at the time I was supposed to have done it because back then, I had too much money in my hands (I had to collect money from so many other affiliations). I am sure the professor will kill me if he finds out, so... yeah. I informed the class about this failure of mine, and they agreed to pay me P60 (more than P30 was already used up for photocopies already given out in class). Now, I'm doing my best to keep track of attendance as accurately as possible, and making sure that I don't end up failing to do my obligations again.

After the extensive list of supporting arguments, here are the extra details. I forgot what to call this part of the paper (sub-supporting arguments, perhaps?), but, whatever.

Yes, I have a lot of failures and I feel terrible just knowing that I am back to being a mediocre student. I want to do better, but I can't bring myself to do just that. Once again, I find myself asking myself, demanding from myself reasons as to why I can't do what I said I'd do. There are people who don't know why I end up using only part of my potential, or better yet, why I can't succeed in spite of my abilities. It sounds ridiculous, but I find myself asking myself the same thing when I should be giving them answers to justify my actions. However, I am only just beginning to unfold the reason(s) why I keep failing miserably like this.

I'm failing because I'm fed up. I'm sick and tired of everything, especially of being sick and tired. I'm burned out. I don't have a sense of direction anymore. I crave for work the way a nymphomaniac craves for sex, yet I fall apart before I get to fully accomplish my responsibilities; thus, I am left exhausted and discontented, deprived and unsatisfied. It's not a matter of motivation anymore; I have my family, friends, Anton and so many other people to keep me going (supposedly). The problem already lies somewhere inside me, and it's beyond anyone's control except mine.

Other reasons which go beyond my personal weaknesses are that I am against how college limits an individual into thinking in a certain way. Every academic institution tends to do this, and I'll digress and say that this cannot be helped. However, the mere fact that students are given a strict regimen that they must follow in the name of the goddamned A instead of finding their way to getting that, even in the most unconventional and outlandish ways, can already be considered to be "spoonfeeding". Perhaps some of you may think that there is nothing wrong with that, but I personally am the kind of person who prefers finding her own innovations to get out of situations. I prefer moving in the direction my intellect takes me; I don't like being held bound by restrictions that I don't understand. I need guidance, indeed, but the idea of failing not because of a lack of ability but because of inability to follow the impositions of a higher power is not my cup of tea. Sadly, this part of my character is a detriment to my grades.

The thought of filing for a leave of absence (LOA) crossed my mind once before, but I pushed it away the minute my mind thought of the idea. Sure, it will give me ample time to think things over and clear my head, but one thing that is sure to drive me crazy, even more than having too much work on my plate, is having no work to do at all. Idleness will only make me crave for work, the craving for which is basically the root of all this stress.

I've never been good at handling stress properly, the same way I can't tame my emotions and keep them from invading my system excessively. I believe something is wrong with me psychologically, but no one would believe me whenever I'd tell them I feel I'm going mad. It seems to be a joke, but it isn't. Then again, if people take my "pleads for insanity" seriously, it shall be a fatal blow to my reputation. My parents are not open to the possibility of me going off-kilter with regards to my mental state (or in other words, they'll disown me the minute they realize I truly am going crazy), and Anton's mother might not approve me if she finds out that I'm susceptible to psychological disorders (who would want their son to be with a crazy girl?). However, in spite of all this, there is still that nagging feeling in me that says I need psychological help. I'm paranoid, uneasy and unable to cope with stress. Something really IS wrong here.

Lastly, there has to be a conclusion, a resolution to everything that was mentioned in the essay. Preferably, it should be a summation of all the arguments stated, but I'll deviate from that. This essay is open-ended; therefore, I cannot conclude yet.

I want to survive my freshman year with good grades and less regrets, if any. I don't want disappointment to come my way. I don't want to be afraid of my AISIS account. I don't want to lose anyone's trust and faith in me and my abilities. But if I carry on like this, all these wants will remain as idle wishes of a secretly desperate sixteen-year-old who's taking in more than what she can finish.

Maybe self-exploration is the only thing that can help me. The problem is, I can't even do that right. Oh yes, I must be going mad.

Somebody please bring me to a specialist.

*********************

Wow. I actually wrote something like that, full of effort, taking into consideration the things I've learned in school. Unfortunately, this won't be used as a basis to get my grades up. If only I can do the same thing with my ARP tonight. *sigh*

Goodness, Fam. You really ARE miserable.

posted on Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 1:13 AM

No Day But Today ♥

I'm so upset I didn't get to watch Rent at RCBC when it still was. :( So now, I'm just listening to the songs from the film and musical on YouTube. Such is the life of she who lets opportunities pass. *sighs*

Here are the lyrics to the song I'm listening to as of the moment.

"No Day But Today" (from RENT)

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future
There is no past
Thank God this moment's not the last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what is alright
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only hope
is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today

I'll openly admit that I am by no means a true-blue thespian (hell, I BS-ed my way to
non-acceptance to the Ateneo Blue Repertory), in spite of being occasionally exposed to the world of theater.

However, I can understand why there are people who value that dimension to the point oftreating the art of theater as their oxygen, their survival.

The artistry in theater is uncanny, brimming with "art" in the finest sense of the word. It speaks about life in a way people don't typically experience it. Onstage, words are not just sounds intelligible to the mind, but instead are melodious streams of emotion and insight fused into one. The feet do not move to merely displace the body's location, but to speak the language of the soul when words cannot. The arms do not move to reach out to the material, but to touch the hearts of spectators with every motion, whether gentle or abrupt. The stage is not just a mere space for actors to entertain an audience; rather, it is a world that transforms imagination to reality, and illustrates life not as a replica of everyday living, but as what it would be like if it was lived out with art in its every conceivable form.

True, making life a work of art entails blood, sweat and tears. However, when the lights are turned on, when the music plays and the production begins, the hearts of the ignorant are whisked away for a moment, showing them that life is not as dreary as it usually is. Being able to touch the hearts of people by portraying for them an entirely new meaning of "existence" is, in my opinion, enough to make performing, with the labor and toil, a fulfillment to those who dare take on the challenge.

This is why every theatrical production never fails to astound me, even if my peers always squirm in their seats, sleeping while a play is ongoing. I'm prone to sinking into the magic that lies behind the curtains, and I am by no means ashamed of that.

However, I don't believe that the artistic perception of life is limited to the boundaries of an auditorium. So long as a person believes that there is a song in every sound, a dance in every step, and a poem in every word in this world, the magic will find its way to transcend the sets and make real life a beautiful experience. It sounds ridiculous and impractical at one end because life isn't always a pretty portrait of all things bright and beautiful, but life becomes all the more stressful because the perils of it are what we are made to dwell on. As the saying goes, "life is short, so make it sweet. The way life goes--how it can make us hurt inside and out--will never change. The least we can do to make things easier is to believe that there is hope in every tomorrow, and that hope will only be possible if we use the opportunities present in the present to make life better for ourselves and for everyone else around us... which brings me to the point of the song I posted in this entry.

The past is an irreversible "existence", and the future is unknown. These two realms of time are beyond our control. How the past turned out or how the future turn out, we can't rewind or fast-forward everything like a cassette tape. The only we can do to make the two more bearable for us is by pushing aside fear and disdain over what had been and what could be.

Probably life seems miserable for me because I let the misery pervade my system. It's not because I lack reflecting or I refuse to think things through. Contrary to what some people might think, I do think a lot about the things I go through. However, it's either I'm too vocal about everything I think about or I go about as if I haven't thought about my actions. Being outspoken, therefore, just makes me look impulsive.

Ah, this entry isn't going anywhere. Hahaha.

posted on Saturday, February 27, 2010 @ 12:43 AM

Consider this entry a nuisance.

Lovefurypassionenergy - Boy Hits Car
I don't really have a reason for putting that video here, except for the fact that it resurfaced from my unconscious (Gen Psych FTW!) out of the blue last night.

Here I am at the Rizal Library Information Commons (a fancy term for the computer stations). I came here to finish my godforsaken En12 (an English course on research paper writing) argumentative research paper (ARP), which is nothing of my interest. The deadline's on Monday, and I still don't have much progress, in terms of research and citations. Oh my goodness.

Last night, I was reading my En12 classmate's Livejournal blog. One of the entries that caught my attention was the one pertaining to our professor in En12.

Yes, our En12 professor.

In my opinion, she's one of the biggest oddities I've ever encountered in the Ateneo. She's hard to decipher; we, being linear thinkers in this case, can't understand her due to her fickle-minded demeanor. She's random and not in a way that is acceptable for a college professor--is wearing daisy dukes to the library (where the university's dress code is strictly implemented) and listening to music on an MP3 player by any means professional? I don't know about you, but I really don't think so. She tells us things that we're better off not knowing, such as how she makes her nanny check our quiz papers and how she was PMS-ing when she was checking our drafts. Heck, I won't be surprised if she suddenly sang this in the middle of class, wearing the skimpy red outfit Lady GaGa was wearing in the music video:

Don't get me wrong, I love Lady GaGa. But I'll definitely crack up if our professor does a GaGa in class. It'll definitely go on the Overheard Facebook fan site.

So anyway, yeah, pretty much all her sections are pissed off at her. One of the students from her Lit14 class, however, is a total douche bag and tells her about everything we think. It doesn't help that he's the same douche bag who made our lives a living hell during our oral defenses a few weeks back. Sure, oral defenses are a pain in the ass by nature (indeed, very nerve-wracking), but that guy just made it a lot worse for all of us. I was a facilitator for the series of defenses for our class, and given that I had to maintain the peace between the defending party and the audience, I really felt the annoyance coming from my class and the cocky indifference from the audience, particularly the douche.

But enough about him...

AAAHHHH!!! All of a sudden, I don't want to bitch anymore.

posted on Friday, February 26, 2010 @ 10:55 PM

Knowing that I am both a criminal and a victim here just... tears me apart.

"The greatest fear of a Demeter is no longer being needed by her son and/or daughter."

-- Sir AJ Sagmit, PSY101 (2010)

My mother and I had another "conversation" on the phone almost an hour ago, and it wasn't very pleasant. Actually, it wasn't pleasant at all.

It hurts whenever they call. As my phone vibrates (I prefer to keep my phone on silent mode even when I'm at home), I end up debating on whether I should pick up or let the call be another missed one. Either way, I still get that sickening sensation of being the terrible daughter. Terrible in both ways, yes; because if I pick up and I end up saying something that might insult them, that makes a bad daughter out of me, and if I don't pick up, it's as if I'm ignoring their attempts to reach me, hence making me a bad daughter as well.

Anyway, that's just a little lead-in to what's been going on in my mind: the discussion we had in Psy101 class yesterday on human development and parenting.

Particularly, we discussed the different outcomes of a child's personality given the phallic stage of development (when a child is 4-7 years of age) and the flow of relationships a.) between the parents; b.) between the child and each parent, and; c.) in the family as a whole. Our professor basically gave us "What if..." situations, and gave us the technical terms for the consequent effects of each situation, with respect to the goddesses in Greek mythology.

Here's a little of what we tackled.

The Aphrodite Complex
Known in psychology as the Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), this occurs in a woman who uses her sexuality to get attention, and eventually, get them to do what she wants. This happens when a girl who falls in love with her father due to penis envy succeeds in gaining his attention with her means of seduction. Women who develop this complex end up becoming the flirtatious girls who use their physical appearance and/or sex appeal to have their way, especially with men.

The Athena Complex

Also known as the "Daddy's Girl" complex, this happens when a daughter falls in love with the father so much that she looks up to him and slowly becomes like his "splitting image". Women who have this complex can be considered as the "younger version" of their fathers, even to the point of living under their fathers' shadows and fulfilling the responsibilities that the father is supposed to be fulfilling. These women tend to be domineering and not as nurturing.

The Hera Complex
When a woman is overly clingy to her partner in a relationship, she may possess this complex. This is usually the result of the father abandoning the child. Because of this, a girl whose tendencies to this complex persist ends up pursuing men who possess the qualities of the father, and doesn't let go in the fear of being abandoned again, even if the relationship is already abusive.

The Artemis Complex
Artemis is the hunter of the gods and is the goddess of chastity, which explains why this was the name given to women who are independent and do not feel the need to have a male partner, or at least, not as much as other women. "I don't need a man" would be the mantra of this type of woman. Feminists are typical examples of women with this complex.

The Demeter Complex
This is a complex typical to all mothers. A woman with Demeter Complex is nurturing and motherly, often to the point of being overprotective. This usually happens when a girl is left to be the one who takes care of everyone else in the family, or if a girl gets married and raises children already. A woman with this complex becomes most overprotective during the adolescence period of her child, when the child already wants to assert his or her individuality. This retaliation against the child's desire to "grow up" and "be independent" is due to the mother's fear of no longer being needed. As a dedicated mother who has decided to spend the rest of her life taking care of her offspring, the mother's greatest fear is waking up to find that her children no longer need her, thus being left with no remaining purpose in life.

Okay, I'll stop there.

The Demeter Complex really caught my attention because, as you may already know, it applies to my relationship with my mother. As this definition of the Demeter Complex sank in deeper into my mind, I began to put myself in my parents' shoes. Regarding what Anton told me the last time we met, "Mahalaga rin yung side nila (Their side is also important)". The more I envisioned things from their point-of-view, the more I felt like crying and telling my imagination to just... STOP.

Their narcissism probably results to that strong urge inside them which tells them that they have to do something to help me. They're mad at me because they expect that their efforts will pay off, and the thing is, they use grades to measure that fact. Although this doesn't justify how they shut off my side altogether, these grounds only attest to one statement: I CAN'T BLAME THEM FOR HOW THEY'RE REACTING.

They've alienated me due to the times when they condemned me and took my emotions for granted. They've alienated me due to the times when they'd incessantly compare me to whoever they end up seeing. Because they want me to be an archetype daughter so badly, I feel pressured into having to fit into this mold of what a daughter should be.

My Psy101 concluded his lecture with these pieces of advice:

"Don't expect people to change. Your parents are beyond your control, they'll never change. What you can do is to change your perception of how they're treating you. You have to adjust."

"Pag nag-aaway kayo at may pattern kang nakikita (Whenever you fight and you see a pattern in each one), break the pattern and you'll see a big change."

In my mind, I said, "I wonder how I'll break this pattern. I'm really, really close to giving up on this whole thing." I was reflecting on everything at the time... then my professor added:

"Psy101 is taught to you as a means for you to learn more about yourself. Once you find yourself relating to any of the situations presented to you here, don't let it stop to insight alone. Insight is the very first step to change, but if nothing goes beyond insight, nothing will happen. Upon taking the first step, in one way or another, you'll have to find your way to the next step, which is making the next move."

(I have no idea why everything my professor told the class matched my problems perfectly, as though he was addressing only me. But, it doesn't matter that I don't know.)

After ransacking my head for any possible solutions, especially given the epic fail conversation that just happened today, I decided to return to another bit of advice given earlier on by my Psy101 professor, with respect to the Demeter Complex--that the best way to deal with this complex is to make them (the parents) feel that, although you're growing up, their presence is still needed. In other words, I must acknowledge their purpose in my existence, and actually make them feel that they are indeed appreciated.

Maybe it is my failure to do just that that's making my relationship with them so rocky.

I think I know what I can do to start. I just need to bring this issue of my F-ic fail Chemistry grade to a close... and I have a lead as to how. I won't be telling you yet what I intend to do, but I hope it works.

Maybe, just maybe... it will.

Warning

Basics

Tagboard

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I find myself constantly asking "Why?".

posted on Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 1:13 AM

No Day But Today ♥

posted on Saturday, February 27, 2010 @ 12:43 AM

Consider this entry a nuisance.

posted on Friday, February 26, 2010 @ 10:55 PM

Knowing that I am both a criminal and a victim here just... tears me apart.

posted on Thursday, February 25, 2010 @ 11:42 PM

A title is hard to produce when the writing has no thesis.

posted on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 @ 9:01 PM

Warning

Basics

Tagboard

Archives

Credits

I find myself constantly asking "Why?".

posted on Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 1:13 AM

No Day But Today ♥

posted on Saturday, February 27, 2010 @ 12:43 AM

Consider this entry a nuisance.

posted on Friday, February 26, 2010 @ 10:55 PM

Knowing that I am both a criminal and a victim here just... tears me apart.

posted on Thursday, February 25, 2010 @ 11:42 PM

A title is hard to produce when the writing has no thesis.

posted on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 @ 9:01 PM

posted on Sunday, February 28, 2010 @ 1:13 AM

posted on Saturday, February 27, 2010 @ 12:43 AM

posted on Friday, February 26, 2010 @ 10:55 PM

posted on Thursday, February 25, 2010 @ 11:42 PM

posted on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 @ 9:01 PM