Lately, I've been in a mess of internal conflicts. Well, that's the case with me 90% of the time, but I'm tired of two things: the fact that the things on Facebook trigger my madwoman, "WTFITS?" tendencies, and; the fact that I transmit my negative mood swings onto people who can live without knowing about my insignificant ramblings.
But the most frustrating thing of all is the fact that I resort to Facebook (or networking sites, for that matter), because everyone is JUST SO FAR AWAY. Those whom I confide in, anyway. I try to reach them, but they're preoccupied with matters of career, school, romance, and their other loved ones. If they do have the time to talk, it's either they do so just to get it over with or they just "reprimand" me for everything I feel and just tell me to deal with it. I tell myself that, it's okay, because they have their own lives to deal with and I really shouldn't be burdening them with the task of tediously listening to me and my foolish thoughts, and that it's the price I have to pay for being so out of reach not too long ago.
I suck it in and refuse to be bratty about not having anyone to talk to anymore. I hold it in and try not feel the weight of solitude as I walk alone in the school hallways, while everyone else has their small, happy groups. I go to sleep at night and try to suppress the tears, to no avail, reminding myself that it's ridiculous to make much ado about my "loner crisis".
What's wrong with me? I'm not quite sure how to answer that, but the closest thing to the truth would be that I'm not okay and I don't understand why. I know why I'm more of a train wreck now than ever, but it's hard for me to understand, and I no longer intend to make anyone understand that.
In the sleepless nights that have passed me, I am left to deal with why I feel so negative, so inferior and insufficient. It feels as though I can easily be replaced, like an afterthought for the sake of completing something that needs an extra piece. Striving no longer makes sense to me, because even when I do try, it's as if everyone knows exactly how to deal with things. Everyone, everyone but me.
I don't need to be reminded of how typical and ridiculous I'm being when it comes to what I feel. It already hurts to know that all of this is foolish, that this little rambling is another worthless antic. I'm trying not to think that there's a huge void somewhere in me that I know I can never fill. I'm doing that on my own, because it's none of anyone's business. If I feel useless, it's my own fault. If I make mistakes, no one's going to be there to pat me on the back and tell me it's okay. The world will go on even if I cannot cope with it. My weakness will not make the world stop going. With that, I can't afford to get hurt. I have to keep going.
Only, how do I not get hurt? How can I keep myself from being so vulnerable, so sensitive?
I just wish I didn't feel so alone, so out of control. I wish I didn't have this twisted psyche, this case of having sudden pangs of sorrow and self-degradation. I wish I knew how to make myself happy, how to forget my problems and just go on like nothing can hurt me. I wish I can function even with pain. If only I wasn't so dependent on anyone for support and affection... and love.
That's why sometimes, I feel like I'd rather live my life alone. That way, no one will have to worry about me, and if I fade away, I can fade away while the rest of the world keeps on living.
And I deleted my Facebook so I wouldn't have to jealous of the world that never seems to cease from smiling.