(photography by
Anton Maza)
"There, in the sky, shines a full moon tonight
donning lucid face, pristine light
As s'renity comes like a thief in the night
the war still feel a tinge of delight
Oh, how radiant, is the full moon tonight."
-- a random rhyme by yours truly
Last night, I saw the most beautiful full moon I've ever seen.
Commuting home from Manila for the long weekend is literally a pain in the ass. My backside was hurting as I was seated in the cramp backseat of the commuter van headed for Batangas last night. I couldn't sleep due to the heat and the snoring from the other passengers, who, like me, were all weary and simply waiting until the van safely takes us home.
I didn't feel like tapping on my phone to send SMS messages to my friends, surprisingly. I couldn't listen to music, either, since I misplaced my earphones a long time ago and I opted not to bring my bulky Skullcandies. So, I had no choice but to keep myself entertained with the seemingly dull environment.
I stared out the window, watching the silhouettes of the outside world fade out of vision as quickly as they dashed in, as the engine hummed and the wheels spun. The night sky was, as always, in its blanket of blue-black. Of course, I knew the moon was going to be there, though I wasn't aware that it was going to be a full one that time. So I sought it through the black outlines of the trees and edifices along the road... and there it was.
There was the moon, with a light that could have equaled that of the sun's light at midday at that moment. The clouds that overlapped with it framed the sphere of the moon with a delicate outline of silver-white, forming a makeshift corona for the moon which otherwise possesses an absence of rays. It didn't matter anymore whether there were stars that night; the moon was enough to keep me spellbound, a lunatic if I may say. For the first time in a long time, magic found its way to my veins again. It helped, too, that the moon remained constant as the van--and in effect, I--was in motion in the asphalt road.
I guess it was due to my uninterrupted exposure to nature that I was spellbound like this. However, the moon carries a significance to me which, although not directly mine, is something related to something I hold dear. That full moon, as much as it represented fullness and completion quite explicitly, was a double-edged sword. It meant a whole new world to a soul whom I think I know well. It meant heartbreak and separation, a void in where there was a completion that should have been there. It was loneliness--a dark, bitter feeling which stil lurks somewhere in that heart.
Isn't it ironic how something so whole and beautiful can also be a reason to be lonely and torn apart? This made me think and even shed a tear at some point. Absorbing the tales of the moon and every emotion that came with it was overwhelming. Thinking of it was even more heart-wrenching... and, as my thoughts progressed, eye-opening.
I've been through those times of feeling incomplete and obsolete. At some point, I felt ridiculous in living because it was as though I was too weak to make it into anything in my life. I felt I was wasting my life, so why not end it?
But maybe, if I look into it better, maybe the moon only SEEMS to hold this dual meaning--that, in emptiness, there is actually fullness and a completion left unrealized. Maybe, just maybe, in feeling empty and stripped of grace, there is actually something that comes in exchange.
Ever wondered why we end up thinking more when we're lonely or upset? In happiness, we feel as though we're in a different universe, far away from the pain and grief of the world that seems to have known almost nothing but suffering. In joy, we drift away to the world that only the embryo knows, a world where purity is an undisputed truth. In euphoria, we feel like we defy gravity and pray that nothing takes us away from that state of being again. It's not a bad thing at all, for happiness makes us hope for things and look into the possibility of the happy ending that we all long for secretly. Happiness is a healthy thing; without it, we'd all be dead.
However, contrary to what Burger King wants us to believe, we can't always have it our way. Happiness is, but is not forever. When there is happiness, there is also the absence of it. At a certain point in life, for reasons that we'll never have full control of, we are stripped of the wings that got us to Cloud Nine, making us fall back mercilessly in the cruel world we thought we had escaped from. It hurts, yes, but like what someone had once told me, what hurts is what often teaches.
Pain makes us go back to reality, and reminds us of the existence of something that must by confronted. Pain is a sign of injury, which should be treated and not ignored. Loss teaches us of the value of gain. Separation teaches us of the meaning of union. Loneliness teaches us of the beauty of joy. But these lessons weren't made for us to regret what we had or had not done. These lessons were made so that we don't make the same mistakes again.
Life is a one-way street. Once something is lost, it is lost. But then, life is not all about loss. With every loss is a gain, and it is up to the person to take care of the present and the future, so s/he wouldn't have to lose so much again. Or, if s/he still ends up losing by will of fate, at least it'll be easier to cope with the feeling of having lost something dear. In life, we all suffer, YES. But although there is suffering in life, it doesn't mean that we should or have the right to give life to suffering. Life was created with love that circulates like the air we breathe, and love is supposed to be a happy feeling, made more precious by loneliness, anger, passion, longing, hope and determination. It helps to remember that salt can actually make something sour taste sweet. It all boils down to how the person acts on whatever life has in store for him or her.
The fact that there is gold lying at the end of every tunnel already makes us rich. We are complete in the sense that we will never be complete, and the journey to self-fulfillment is what makes us complete and certified human beings. We never really lose anything; we just keep getting the same thing in entirely different forms. There is variety and diversity in every blessing that falls down from Heaven into our lives, but they all have one common denominator: they were all designed not to complete us, but for us to find the piece of ourselves that will make us complete.
And no, now, I don't think hearts ever break. Human hearts are stronger than what we think. If hearts break and depend on external forces to function again, then the possibility of loving again would have never happened; even if it does, it only happens because one used someone to his or her own benefit, which is not what love is about. Healing mends wounds but does not fully restore something to its pure, uninjured state. Healing is not about giving life to a dead heart; it is about infusing a disheartened spirit with the will to keep believing and loving like it had always been doing. Reviving someone into having faith--I believe that this is what love is. It isn't about filling up a void, but reminding someone that, when one really thinks about it, nothing was ever really lost forever.
The moon, at that night, was full. It shone a light to my heart and reminded me that I am whole, complete and capable of love and forgiveness. Now, I learn to look into memories and smile at what they have made of me, yet I refuse to make their "absence" into my life something to make me feel ungrateful. Everything was destined to fill up a chapter in people's lives, for reasons that we may never know or understand, but is there nonetheless. It isn't our task to know why life treated us the way it did; rather, our goal should be to live in spite of uncertainty, believing that, with the people and things that remind us of the existence of love and goodness, a certainty beyond knowing "why" will manifest itself one day. Who knows when that'll be, but we're meant to take a trip through life to be the best of who we are for others and for the Spirit who loves us no matter what.
I am thankful for the love I know now. I know that before, I saw myself with other people, and those dreams turned to dust. However, now I understand why things never worked with the people from my past: I was meant for someone who will shape me into a better woman than ever before, all while teaching me indirectly what love is about by inducing me to hone my faculties into realizing my worth and purpose in this life I lead.
Like the moon from the night before, I am whole. I am complete. I am loved. I am strong.
And maybe, if I just push harder, I'll be closer to the contentment and fulfillment that I've longed to attain. Now that I know I am loved and cared for by the world around me, I'm a lot stronger. I haven't lost a fight, and I know I never will.
So now I put my pen down and sleep, knowing that I'll be kept warm by the love of someone who's both near and far. Yes, as I type this now, I believe in a love that's genuinely for me, and will be there for me, no matter what fate might have in store for us.
"Friends and lovers til the end... and even if we part ways, we won't see the end."As long as these words are etched into history, I'll always hold these words as a sign of the existence of eternal love, something that is realized by very few in all the people who have gone through the sands of time.
Now that I think about it, because of all that I've gone through and the fact that I have the one I love, I feel like I am undisputedly the most fortunate girl in the world. ♥
posted on Saturday, May 1, 2010 @ 6:26 AM
(photography by Anton Maza)