EXTREMELY HIGH EMOTIONAL CONTENT. Proceed with caution.
Basics
Here's my nth attempt at creating a decent blogging site. I've had so many old blogs, and they're all rotting in cyberspace with memories that I'd rather not return to, so I'm starting from scratch. AGAIN.
I'm Fam. I've been around Planet Earth for 16 years and counting, though people often think I'm a lot older than my actual age (for who knows why). I love the color red, dark chocolate, bananas and breezy, sunny days.
I love dancing, singing out of nowhere, taking pictures, going on long, leisurely walks, enjoying food, writing to my heart's content, drawing, painting and indulging in crazy-sensible conversations with crazy-sensible people.
My moods swing like a pendulum, and yes, I am one of those people who overreact, over-think, and overeat.
There's no better way to get to know me than to actually listen... and if you can, speak up.
Don't worry, I won't bite... except if your grammar and intentions are atrocious. ;)
I'm having a hard time sleeping soundly. I just woke up and I feel as though I haven't gotten any sleep at all.
Try as I may not to be, I'm torn apart. I'm torn between sentience and indifference. I'm torn between what I want to feel and what I end up feeling. I'm torn between faith and doubt, confusion and clarity. I'm torn, to the point of not knowing what I'm supposed to believe in. I want to know what I need to understand, but it looks like no one can provide me the answer.
This song practically summarizes what everyone tells me to do. My friend Paula told me that I should keep believing, and even the LIFE Meeting from last week conveyed the same thing to me.
So, what's wrong with me? Why can't I have faith in what is said to be there?
I'm scared. I'm scared of being left behind when the time of convergence between them comes. I'm afraid of losing the one I love for someone who already left him. I'm suffering from the disappointment of the realization that a whole-hearted, unconditional love doesn't exist in human hearts. Yes, I am told I am loved, but the fact that it comes with a "but..." makes it harder to take in. Above all, I feel so much pain right now because I hate myself for all the doubt I have within me. Why can't I shake it off? WHY???
There's a pressing desire in my heart that transcends the physical need of a girl like me. However, due to my impression that this is a selfish request, I repress it and keep it inside me. If I let it out for all the world to know, it'll just be chaotic. It'll be something I know I'll regret.
Maybe I'll sing this song when I go to sleep tonight. I won't be singing this to only myself, though. As I've said in one of my tweets a few days ago, "I'll sing a song for you and hope it reaches you, wherever you may be."
"Keep Holding On" (originally by Avril Lavigne)
You're not alone Together we stand I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand When it gets cold And it feels like the end There's no place to go You know I won't give in No I won't give in
Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you There's nothing you could say Nothing you could do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through So far awayI wish you were here Before it's too late, this could all disappear Before the doors close And it comes to an end With you by my side I will fight and defend I'll fight and defend Yeah, yeah
Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you There's nothing you could say Nothing you could do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da La da da da La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you There's nothing you could say Nothing you could do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say Nothing you could do There's no other way when it comes to the truth So keep holding on 'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
I want and need to keep believing in the truth that kept us together.
I need to be stronger. I HAVE TO.