EXTREMELY HIGH EMOTIONAL CONTENT.
Proceed with caution.

Here's my nth attempt at creating a decent blogging site. I've had so many old blogs, and they're all rotting in cyberspace with memories that I'd rather not return to, so I'm starting from scratch. AGAIN.

I'm Fam. I've been around Planet Earth for 16 years and counting, though people often think I'm a lot older than my actual age (for who knows why). I love the color red, dark chocolate, bananas and breezy, sunny days.

I love dancing, singing out of nowhere, taking pictures, going on long, leisurely walks, enjoying food, writing to my heart's content, drawing, painting and indulging in crazy-sensible conversations with crazy-sensible people.

My moods swing like a pendulum, and yes, I am one of those people who overreact, over-think, and overeat. There's no better way to get to know me than to actually listen... and if you can, speak up. Don't worry, I won't bite... except if your grammar and intentions are atrocious. ;)

By post:
Just let me die.
Au revoir, Facebook... and maybe Twitter, too.
2010 Year-ender.
For Charm ♥
For Paula ♥
Buhay is life in Filipino.
Blogger: My Depository of Awful Thoughts, Full-Length
I don't think I know how to let go.
After a long time, here I come again.
It's been so long. Damn.

By month:
February 2010 / March 2010 / April 2010 / May 2010 / June 2010 / July 2010 / November 2010 / December 2010 / January 2011 /

Layout and codes by:dawnoflights
Images from: Foto_decadent
Textures: Dearest / Looks like rain
Icons from: furlights

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t care if I’m not the prettiest, wealthiest, kindest, smartest or most talented girl in the world, and I don’t care at all if you’re the epitome of perfection. But there are times when I wish that I were in your shoes, that I wish I was you. I could have it now because you let it slip away, but you had it first and it will no longer be the same for me. It beats for you til this day, and it’s that beat that deafens me and makes me betray every form of empathy I had with myself.

My ego’s beaten up. It’s been beaten up the day I realized that I was just a recipient of a love that couldn’t go to its original addressee. But can I complain? No, I can’t. I can’t, because no matter what, I’ll always come out as the insecure one, the doubting freak, the jealous bitch. I’ll go insane if I keep this in, but there’s no one to tell all this to. Everyone tells me to stop being insecure, to stop this game I’m playing with myself. But this is NOT a game, and I’m not frolicking, just so anyone knows. It’s easy for people to say that, because they’re not the ones confronted with the struggle of being compared to a former standard, to a memoir off the pages of the past.

I can’t help but feel awful each time I remember you, a stranger who otherwise has nothing to do with me. You remind me of the only thing I know will always be yours, even if you don’t realize it. No matter how much I try to purge myself of these ill thoughts and carry on unfazed, I will always bear a seething envy directed at no one else but you. I can’t hate you, for you haven’t done anything to me, but I will always look at you and find myself wishing that I played the role you once played from not too long ago.

Of course no one will understand where I’m coming from. Of course, I’ll always be the one at fault here. I get it. It’s the same story. This has been happening for too many times, so much that I know everyone looks at me with eyes of disdain, and that his eyes look at me with exasperation. Yes, I talk about the same grievance, and sooner or later, I’ll find myself regretting writing this piece of shit. Ako rin naman ang lalabas na mali dito e. Alam ko na yun.

I wish I hadn’t “known” you. Maybe if I didn’t, my life would be a lot more peaceful.

Oh wait, that still won’t change things. Oh well.

posted on Thursday, June 10, 2010 @ 8:03 AM

The title has nothing to do with the post. JSYK.

ANYWAY, I'm not about to write on the matter. Enough of writing about pain, at least for now. I'd rather not let loose online the somber things I go to sleep with.

I got this list from Ate Rina (a friend of a friend, from the Ateneo Musician's Pool) via Tumblr. Out of a mixture of boredom and excitement for the school year ahead, I opted to write down something like an expounding piece (obviously, I'm at a loss for better words) on the list she made.

Commence!

An Atenean’s List of Things To Do (1st Sem, SY 10-11)

(by Rina Caparras, III - BFA CW, Ateneo de Manila University)

1. Eat in all the cafeterias. (College Caf, ISO, Azul, LST, Manang’s, JSEC, AHS Caf, AGS Caf)

-- So far, I haven't eaten at the AGS and AHS cafeterias since I'm always at the LS campus. I don't really know ALL of the eating hubs on campus, but I think Azul is the Cervini Cafeteria. Oh and, you forgot to mention Zekaf! :D

2. Crash a class on the first day.

-- This seems fun. After all, I DO have a three-hour break after Sci10. What to crash, what to crash... >:) Ideas, anyone?

3. Cut all your classes for a day.

-- I'll have to do this on the 24th due to a religious obligation here in Batangas. So yeah, I don't really have to feel guilty about this... or maybe I do. FAIL :-S :))

4. Eat a rice meal “patago” in Matteo Ricci’s airconditioned area.

-- I SOOO WANNA DO THIS! >:) This is where BYOB will definitely come in handy. Bagoong rice, anyone? LOLJK :))

5. Wear a dress to school.

-- I've seen people do this, and I wanna try it out too. I've worn dresses to school but only because of our practical exams in PE130 and 130.1. Maybe if I wear my red dress to school with flats and a belt, I'll be making a day of change... with my wardrobe, at least :>

6. Wear heels to school.

-- I've already done this, and I won't stop

7. Get at least 3 As.

-- I don't know if I can pull this off this sem. Maybe if I become extra MAGIS-ish this sem, I can ace Hi18 and Sci10. The third one... maybe PE? :)) Hey, that counts! Though yeah, it doesn't really do anything to the QPI. Toink.

8. Attend lots of org events.

-- I will HAVE to! Due to my insane amount of obligations with orgs and all that, I will be attending a lot of org events. Some of them are already booked in my calendar, while others are just waiting to be booked ;)

9. Go to Eastwood and back during your long break/s.

-- STACKERS! I really miss that place. Hahaha. Anyway, I want to do this. Katipunan can get tiring at times. Lunch buddies, anyone? /:)

10. Welcome newbies in your old org.

-- DEFINITELY :D 'Nuff said. RecWeek, here we goooooo!

11. Watch UAAP Games live.

-- I'm still thinking about this one. I'm not interested in basketball or UAAP for that matter, but hey, I just might.

12. Buy an Ateneo jacket.

-- I want ooooone! Kristi's making me jealous with her navy blue Sesqui hoodie. I'll definitely get one to keep me warm during the rainy season :>

13. Remember to wear pants.

-- I always do thiiiis. I think I'll have to do this a lot again, since my Acc10 classes are in SOM. Dress code, you are such a bitch. Funny thing is, you don't faze me 'cause I'd comply without you telling me.

14. Get drunk and pass out in Cannan Bistro.

-- Where is Cannan Bistro? :|

15. Eat breakfast in Katipunan.

-- ISSA! Breakfast date, pleaseohpleaseohpleeeeeeaaaaaaaase???? :D :D :D

16. Make good use of the library fee.

-- Or in other words, maximize the library couches and the Information Commons! Borrowing books is a must, but do be wary of the dues. Trust me, I'm talking from experience :|

17. Review for a quiz only during the 10min interval between classes.

-- Wow. I'll pass on this one. :| Or maybe not. Hahaha!

18. Go to class, get your attendance checked, then walk out.

-- We'll see, we'll see. :)) Hahaha! I kind of suck at getting away with this.

19. Play a recording of the ding-dong bell in class.

-- And then what? Scare the prof into thinking it's dismissal time? In fairness, it's an awesome idea :>

20. Play Plants vs. Zombies/Robot Unicorn Attack/Starcraft 2 during class.

-- Not my thing. LOL.

21. Stay for six hours in Seattle’s Best Coffee.

-- The longest I've gone is four hours. :))

22. Do your papers over the weekend :O

-- I think this is inevitable. Hahaha. I've experienced more cramped deadlines as early as freshman year, so... KERI LANG =))

23. Walk in Bel Field at night.

-- NEIL BRIAN FARNE! Remember? :>

24. Watch the Battle of Bel Field.

-- Oh yeah, the only time I've watched this was during a rehearsal that Brian and his History classmates were doing. At that time, I didn't even know he was Brian.

25. Watch at least one play each from Tanghalang Ateneo, BlueRep and Entablado.

-- I've only watched Entablado's (Oh man, I forgot!), blueRep's "Zanna, Don't!" and Tanghalang Ateneo's "Walang Sugat" (well, it wasn't really a student production but they helped out and it was a production which operated due to them as well). I'm hoping to watch more, and to join Entablado. :D I want to learn directing and screenplay writing for now, though. There's more fufillment in actually fabricating what will go on in the theatre.

26. Never miss an AMP gig.

-- WIN!

27. See if you can get away with wearing slippers to the lib.

-- I already did... I think. Hahaha!

28. Toss a coin in the Library fountain and make a wish.

-- This is fun when the fountains are actually working. ;)

29. Use the Faura Back shortcut going to Katipunan.

-- I was actually not aware of the existence of the CTC-Faura shortcut until one of my roommates pointed it out (ECE students often have classes in CTC and Faura Hall, so they'd often take that route instead of going through la rue de pieton.

30. Be nice to the animals around campus. (Kaso wala na ata yung cats.)

-- THE CATS ARE STILL THERE :D I still hope I get to see the strays. I think I know where they're hiding when they're not around the LS grounds :3

31. Make friends with the photocopy ladies.

-- I miss Ate Almaaaa! Haha. True. Making friends has its benefits ;))

32. Walk the Matteo Ricci catwalk in fashion.

-- OMG! My friends from PE130.1 and I did this one time during a free cut. We did this with ice cream dripping on our hands and our PE clothes slung over our backs :))

33. Play tag with the security guards.

-- Oh woooow. I'd like to see this on campus first :))

34. Pretend you’re a guest if you’re caught without an ID.

-- Again, a WIN.

35. Survive.

-- Yes, yes. This is a MUST.

posted on Friday, June 4, 2010 @ 8:47 PM