I just noticed that some of the titles of my recent blog posts are en Francais. Sorry, I need to learn and practice the language so I don't forget. Speaking of French, I should be studying for my French exam now. Fam, you really are hopeless.
Right now, I'm on my last two hours before I'm due to return to school for my ITM and French classes, then I'll (hopefully) be rehearsing with Kristi for our LIFE Meeting "gig" later this afternoon/evening. I came here with the intention of reviewing for my French exam, but as fate would have it, I ended up writing this entry instead.
So what's up?
From the evening of May 4th to this morning, I've incurred 23 hours of sleep (not straight, of course). This isn't good. My brain's beginning to shut down and I often end up forgetting the things I have to do the next day. It's not that I'm distracted by anything, though by reviewing my last entries, a lot may think that I am distracted. I just feel a deep feeling of emptiness, like I've bled myself dry. The days are passing by again and I feel adrift again, going wherever the wind (if there even comes a breeze in this cruel heat) takes me. I can't point out what's wrong, and the worst part is, I don't mind that something's wrong.
I forgot that we had homework in Eco102, and I answered today's quiz (based on the homework) through mere hocus-pocus. I used to be so enthusiastic in Economics class--my notes were perfect and neat, I had complete handouts and I had good scores in my papers and quizzes. However, ever since the midsummer exam, I felt like the eagerness in learning is beginning to falter, and alarmed as I am, I don't feel like taking on action anymore. It's not that I'm giving up, but I'm tired of thinking and finding my way out of things for now. I force myself to go to school because I know I can't afford to miss a class, but I feel like I'm lying to myself whenever I push it all away and tell myself that it's just the occasional mood swing, that it'll pass soon enough.
After Economics class, I had my interview for my student facilitator applications. The environment was close to hostile, if not so already. JC Capuno and the SF Core interviewer did mean serious business, and it made me freeze. I came in the room smiling and chirpy, but when I came out, I found myself faking a smile as I was talking to Ate Janelle, my org-mate who was next in line for the interview. Does it make me a paranoid pessimist if I say that it didn't turn out so well?
I managed to answer the questions and I was being honest. However, their stoic expressions didn't look like they believed what I was saying. I had my confidence with me when the interview started, but it trickled away as the questions came in. Later on, when I did my teaching demonstration, I ended up forgetting what the SF interviewer said was the most important thing in ANY teaching session: GIVE THE OBJECTIVES and ENGAGE THE STUDENTS INTO WHAT YOUR [shit] IS FOR. I could have slapped myself for forgetting that. What the hell?! Also, I was stupid enough to talk while a song (that wasn't an instrumental) was praying. Of course! That would confuse the people as to where to allocate their attention... IT'S BASIC PSYCHOLOGY! Fuck that.
At least the interviewer complimented me on how I was "engaging, considerate and how my voice is loud". I guess that was the only thing I did right there. The setting didn't quite feel real, and it greatly affected how I was able to deliver and perform altogether.
I guess I am making mountains out of molehills again. Hopefully one day I'll laugh and cringe at this blog entry and comment on how stupid I am to actually rant about this.
Oh wait. I have another audition to worry about for tomorrow. Good luck.
And good luck to me on my French test. *bangs head on the table*
I NEED MY FAITH NOW MORE THAN EVER.
posted on Wednesday, May 5, 2010 @ 7:08 PM
